Monday, February 2, 2009

Loosening my Grip

In a previous post, I confessed that I had recently hit a road block in my ability to move forward with God. One of the biggest things I was struggling with was "death." I know, it's a not like it's a really heavy subject or anything... but really, this was becoming a big deal to me.

I've never really been fond of the idea of leaving earth. I have a great family, always had great jobs and as I became a wife and a mother I found even more reasons why I didn't really want any of these to end. For some reason I figured if I could just keep God at a distance I wouldn't have to face the reality that this isn't all there is.

Don't be mislead... death still isn't exactly the easiest thing to talk about, for anybody I'm sure. But, here's what I have been able to understand through sharing life with a few close friends.

We were created to get to know God. We came to exist because God wanted to have a love affair with a race that was created in His image. I exist on this earth to pursue him and to pursue his kingdom here on earth.

See what I failed to realize was that all of this other great stuff was just a bonus. I developed the idea that I deserved or was somehow entitled to these relationships... my husband, my son, my friends and family. Where did I become so mislead.

The faith community that I'm connected with recently explored the practice of simplicity. For me it wasn't about getting more simple with stuff or even my time. It was about being willing to let go of the people that I value most in my life. It was about loosening the grip and acknowledging that I'm dependent on their existance nor are they one mine.

It's hard, it's really hard... but as I feel the grip loosening I'm already realizing that there is a deep sense of peace and trust that comes with surrending over those around me into His care. I begin to understand that God cares more about me than any of these people ever would and while I will never understand and know in this lifetime what Heaven is like, I know in my soul that he's promised it will be even better than this.

1 comment:

  1. I sooooo know what you're talking about Esther. I too struggle with the idea that heaven could be better than what I have now, and I also cringe at the thought of one day leaving this life for good. But, I think we both have these feelings because we don't understand (like you said) the role that heaven plays in our lives. Its not an end, or even a destination. Rather, its a culmination of a beautiful story of rescue and redemption. If I don't see it that way, its probably because I don't really know how it feels to be truly connected to Father right now. Good stuff girl.